


A Little Bit Yours

by suitcasedstars



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:48:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27166147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suitcasedstars/pseuds/suitcasedstars
Summary: Clarke have known love and hurt. Some love hurt less, most more. For her and Lexa, she hopes this one at this moment would be the worst of it.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	A Little Bit Yours

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you're all still sane. Enjoy reading :)

September 19, 2020 

"I loved her." 

"I know." 

"I still love her." 

"I know." 

A tear falls. 

Just like the crack in your voice as you let out the words after bottling them for so long, the seal rips and the floodgates finally open and you cry. Raven gently rubs her hand on your arm as you rest your head on her shoulder releasing the pain and at last allowing yourself to fall apart safely in your best friend's tight embrace. She's holding you like a glass that's about to shatter; delicate but firm. 

"It's gonna be okay, Clarke." Raven tries. 

The gold rays of sunset paints the concrete jungle and illuminates the clouds resting on the horizon. Raven's shirt is damp from your tears that seem to endlessly fall, trickling from your cheeks. Raven holds you closer and even tighter and you feel safe and you can feel the thunder under your rib cage ringing in your ears and your head starts to hurt. 

"I love her." You repeat like it's the only sentence that makes sense to you. 

"I know, Clarkey." Raven sighs for the tenth time since she got here. "You're okay." 

But you're not. 

You're far from okay. Nothing's fine. Everything is shit. 

_I love her._

A tear falls. 

And another. 

It won't stop dampening Raven's shirt. Your lips quiver and Raven coos. If you don't stop crying, she might get worried so you try to step on the brake. But the brake is broken and the floodgates won't close, the tears keep falling. Raven lets you. 

The skies are pink and purple, it's beautiful. Like her eyes and the perfect slope of her nose. Stunning, like the hollow of her cheeks and the column of her neck. Gorgeous, like the curve of her lips when she smiles. Soothing, like the sound of her voice in the morning when she wakes up and when she laughs. Her laugh. 

You cry. 

_Her laugh._

It made everything easier when everything was awful. Her laugh. It soothed your fear and discarded your loneliness. She made everything easier. Codependency is never good but it didn't feel that way when she was with you. Everything was fine. You moved like water around her. You were fine. 

You never really understood how poets wrote about love or how they have an endless vocabulary about it. You were never big on poetry, words didn't speak to your soul but colors did and shapes and strokes. You've always excelled in visuals, but never words. 

Maybe it was the problem and you wish you were good with words so you could've told her, so you could've asked her. But you didn't and everything went south and shit. 

How poets wrote about love didn't resonate with you, but how they injected pain into the words did. At least it does now. You wonder if their drafts had blotches on them, if their cheeks were damp while turning the tears into words. You wonder if they wrote those things to inflict pain on others like they've felt it, to cause the sobs on a quiet midnight, to torture young little hearts. 

Crying dialed down to soft sobs until there's not enough moisture in your body to leak from your eyes. You slowly lift your head from Raven's shoulder and her hold loosens to let you go. Worry and sadness reflects in your best friend's eyes like she's about to cry herself. Somehow you feel like that's how you look right now and Raven is mirroring what she sees and feels. 

"I'm sorry," You croak. 

Raven shakes her head and smiles weakly, "It's okay. You're okay." 

You smile and inch closer to her and threw your arms around her shoulders, hugging her like she held you for almost an hour. 

"Thank you, Rae." 

"You're okay." Raven whispers. 

After a long silence of watching orange turn to pink and purple until finally the stars appeared, the night progressed with ice cream, wine and movie under a blanket shared on a couch on a Saturday evening. You're worn to your bones from a long shift at work and bawling your eyes out made sleep easily seep into your body, leaving Raven alone with the movie you insisted to watch. 

Your eyes are half-open, fluttering and fighting the sleep and exhaustion, you feel the blanket cover your body to your chin and your legs automatically stretches out on the couch. A kiss on your forehead was the last thing you remember and a door shutting gently. 

\--- 

June 8, 2020 

"Clarke, wake up." A gentle shake on your shoulder. 

"Mmm." 

"Clarke, you gotta eat, babe." 

"Mmnm" 

A soft chuckle followed by a kiss on your forehead. You try to open your eyes and blink the fog away, Lexa is sitting on the side of the bed, she's wearing her work clothes; silk shirt and cigarette pants. You must've been sleeping for ages because the last thing you remember is the blanket crawling up to your shoulders and keeping you toasty. 

"What year is it?" You ask Lexa. 

"It's 2020." 

"What happened?" 

Although confusion plays on Lexa's beautiful face, she humors you, "Well, let's see." 

Lexa inhales deeply and breathes out evenly as if she's going to break down something very important but her thumb caresses your cheeks tenderly. 

"You worked a forty-eight-hour shift twice last week, you always forget to eat and you barely slept for forever so now you have a flu and you have been sleeping for..." Lexa pauses to look at her wrist watch, "...almost twenty-one hours." 

"That long?" 

"Mm-hmm." 

"Where did you go?" 

"To work, love. " Lexa tucks an errant hair behind your ear, "And I picked up some food and medicine for you on my way here." 

"Are you okay?" 

Lexa sighs and smiles at the same time. "I should be asking you that. But I'm alright. What's with all the questions, babe?" 

"No reason." 

"If you say so." Lexa shifts to stand. "Come on, let's put some food in your stomach." 

Your attempt to stand ended up with an almost fall as you're still nauseous which you didn't realize while you were lying in bed. Luckily, Lexa caught your hand breaking your fall that could've resulted to an added body pain and a huge bruise on your face. 

It seemed like Lexa had already ran a bath before even waking you, she even lit the candles that you like that of course she bought. The water is lukewarm and everything you need is ready and within reach. 

"Call out to me if you need anything, okay?" 

"Okay." 

The fog in your head slowly clears out and your memories start to present themselves. You've been sick for two days due to overfatigue and you remember how worried Lexa was on the first few hours of it, how her eyes were filled with anguish when your temperature spiked to 39.5 degrees and she had to take you to the hospital despite your objection. You were released the next morning despite Lexa's insistence that you stay but you prefer resting at home and lucky for you, your charms always worked on the brunette. Well, it did take a certain amount of begging. 

Lexa is comfortably sitting in the living room with her legs crossed and barefoot when you emerged from the bedroom with clean clothes. Your vision still feels like it's zooming in and out but definitely better than it was twenty one hours ago. 

Lexa looks up from her phone and instantly smiles, "Hey." 

"Hi," 

You positioned yourself next to her on the couch with your legs bent sideways so your knees are partly resting on Lexa's thigh while your head fell on her shoulder. 

"How are you feeling?" Lexa kisses the top of your head. 

"Better," You murmur and tucked yourself closer to Lexa. She smells of chicken soup and perfume. You drift away. 

\--- 

August 21, 2020 

"Does it matter?" 

"Of course it does, Clarke." 

"Will you stay?" 

Lexa exhales breathily. "Is there an 'if' following to that?" 

"What _if_ there is?" 

"Clarke." 

"If you're going," It's your turn to respire like there's a wrecking ball attached to your lungs. "Just go." 

\--- 

February 3, 2021 

It's been an extremely exhausting day, you've only eaten one meal since your shift started twenty hours ago. There was an accident and multiple cars crashed into each other, you've been in the operating room for fourteen hours and your spine hurts while your legs feel like they're going to give out any second now. 

Your car is still in Raven's shop so you've been taking the bus to and from work for almost a week now. Somehow it's been better to ride the bus going home because at least you could rest and sometimes take a nap even though Octavia specifically told you not to. 

From the hospital, you have to walk about half a block to get to the stop and sometimes the bus doesn't arrive for another fifteen minutes and by the time it finally comes, a lot of people have already crowded the shed which you hate. People exhaust you, kind of ironic since that's literally your job; deal with people and their illness. It's probably different. Sometimes. 

It's five in the afternoon, almost dusk and the sun is setting gorgeously, slowly sinking under the horizon. There are smudges on the window of the bus casting pale little shadows on your lap. You're a bit afraid you'd fall asleep, not because Octavia said that perverts lurk in public transport and they're generally just there when a woman falls asleep in a bus, but because your stop is in ten minutes. 

Your eyelids are drooping and you're losing consciousness. You force yourself to stay awake and alert, for perverts and for your stop. The bus hit a bump, your head hit the window with a loud thud, _damn it._ You must have slept because you feel quite disoriented so you blink your eyes rapidly to scare the sleep away. You're afraid you've missed your stop, you're anxiously looking out of the window to see if you have to ask the driver to pull over and let you out and walk back or maybe take another bus. But the bus stopped without you asking. You didn't miss your stop. 

People started to get off including you. Your head hurts now, throbbing in your temples like jackhammers drilling through your skull. It's probably because you hit your head or maybe because you haven't slept or taken a nap in over twenty five hours. You remember you still haven't eaten anything, _damn it._

The ones from the waiting shed started to get on the bus while you filed out. Still groggy from your two-minute nap, you try to make your legs work. Just a little more and you'd finally be able to eat and sleep. Just as you stepped on the pavement, a familiar shape graced your sight. Rather too familiar that your lungs seemed to forget how to bring oxygen to your body and your heart raced. Your world stopped. 

It doesn't matter when or where, you would always recognize that jawline, that style, those fingers aggressively tapping on a screen and those eyes. Those _fucking_ eyes. 

Just like the first time you ever set your eyes on this fine piece of a human, she's stunning that it still knocks the wind out of you. It still stops your heart, even if she broke it. 

"Lexa?" Your voice is hoarse and sounded almost hurt than surprised. 

Lexa lifts her head and didn't look surprised _or_ hurt when she sees you, like she expected you to be here, like she was waiting. A smile crossed her beautiful face but didn't say anything. She started walking towards you and for a second you considered walking away. But your legs stopped working, they feel like bricks cemented on the pavement. 

"Hi," Lexa said softly. Her voice sounds the same, better even or you're probably just hallucinating. 

"What are you doing in my street?" 

Lexa chuckles. That laugh, d _amn it._ "Since when did you own 9th street?" 

"I meant-" 

"I know what you meant, Clarke." She cuts you off, still smiling. Still ridiculously gorgeous. 

"Well?" 

"I bought a cake for Anya." Lexa discloses. You're confused because there's nothing in her hand except for her phone. Lexa must have read your mind because she added, "It's customized so I'd have to come back later." 

"Oh." 

There's not enough words in your vocabulary in this moment to say more, to keep talking to Lexa. You hate it. You hate that you're wiped. You hate that you haven't bathed and Lexa is standing in front of you looking like _that._ It's offensive and unfair how attractive she is. 

When no one has said anything in forty five seconds, a look you know too well paints Lexa's eyes. "Can I walk you home?" She sounded shy and a pinch of hesitation is there too. 

Maybe there's no harm in it if you accept, it's just walking home. It's one block, less even. And you might fall asleep on the way, it's probably best if someone you know and knows you is there in case your face falls on the road. 

"Sure." 

For every step your foot takes, your heartbeat doubles as if there's an earthquake inside your chest and a storm inside your head. You're both quiet for two whole minutes, everything seemed to have hushed, even the horns in the highway. Lexa didn't say a word until you walk past Pancake House where countless breakfast and breakfast for dinner were spent. 

"Do they still offer the special sets?" Lexa points across the road. 

"Yeah." 

The distance to your apartment building is closing as well as the window of this moment here with Lexa. You're a bit afraid again. Your heartbeat picks up its pace, it feels like your ribs are going to disintegrate of how fast and loud your heart is going. You're about twelve steps away from the gate and you want to freeze the time, frame this moment and hang it in your bedroom. 

"Why are you back?" You found yourself asking. You didn't mean it to bite but it must have sounded that way by the look of hurt on Lexa's face. 

But Lexa answers in the way that she had always answered questions, certain without hesitations, "I had to." 

It's another Lexa thing, she had always managed to be clear and vague at the same time. Sometimes it bothered you but that's one of her charms, something you actually really liked no matter how much it frustrated you. 

You find yourself empty of any response to Lexa's reply. It's probably best if this little reunion ends now. You just want to be in your bed and sleep for the next twenty four hours with the blinds closed and everything switched off. You don't have enough energy to analyze Lexa's answer, you just can't process anything right now. It feels like a dream because Lexa wasn't here. She hasn't been for a while now and you've been okay. You were okay. 

"Clarke?" 

You look up at Lexa and meet her emerald eyes. They're still as green as ever. It's always been your favorite shade of that color. It reminded you of the trees in your grandmother's farm. It reminded you of home _._ They _were_ your home. 

"Yeah?" 

"Can I see you again?" 

It feels like you've been here before. Because you have been. Déjà vu has never hit you this hard. Just like the first time you went out with Lexa and she drove you home and both of you were standing in the same spot you are now and the only difference is that it was at one in the morning and there was a kiss at the end. It could still happen though. 

No, it won't. 

It took you too long to answer that Lexa is about to say another word, perhaps to take back what she said. She probably even regrets she walked you to this gate. 

"Why did you have to come back?" You ask. 

"I just-" Lexa trails off. 

She's biting her lip which means she's anxious or scared. You hated when Lexa was feeling that way, you've always wanted her to be okay. You've always wanted her to be happy. 

"I just had to, Clarke." Lexa finishes. 

It's still not an answer and you're tired. You're just so tired and you're wondering why you're both standing in front of the gate to your apartment building and talking about this like it doesn't hurt. You've spent quite some time mulling over your head what you'd do or feel when you see Lexa again. It turns out that no amount of anticipation could ever prepare you for this because it hurts as much as it feels good. 

"I'm tired." You finally say out loud. 

"I know you are. " Lexa sighs. "I'm sorry, Clarke." 

"What for?" 

"For all of it." 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think.
> 
> I'm on tumblr @suitcasedstars if you want to say hi.
> 
> Thanks for reading! :)


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